I have dirty laundry. In some cases, badly soiled, stained, and ripped laundry. I am sixty-five years old and in that time I have made many mistakes, committed many sins, used others for my benefit, conducted myself carelessly and selfishly, and hurt or disappointed people along the way.
The downside of being sixty-five years old is that you’ve had plenty of time to do harm to others, as I have. The upside of being sixty-five is that you’ve had plenty of time to think about what you’ve done, as I have. The fear of approaching seventy is that although you don’t know how much time you have left to make amends, you are certain it is lessened with each passing day.
I have many regrets. I have given many apologies. I’m sure others are overdue, and occasions will arise in my future that will merit even more apologies.
One of the graces of God is his gift to us of the capacity to change. I am not who I was 20 years ago, 10 years ago, or 3 years ago. I am not who I was because I have worked to be a better person than I remember being in the past.
I know that although I am aware of how I have changed, others do not have current knowledge of me and therefore know me only for who I once was.
That is why I also pray for forgiveness.
Over the last decade, I have met many people who think favorably of me because of my work. Their opinions are both humbling and guilt-inducing, for I am very aware of my failures and shortcomings. I carry with me the desire to go back and change many things if only I could. Of course, I cannot, so I continue to try to better myself and not repeat my misdeeds.
That is why I pray for the strength and guidance to stay on purpose.
An earthly source of strength and guidance for me is my wife, Jill, to whom nearly all the credit goes for who I’ve been in the last twenty years. She and the two daughters we share are the reason I am as happy as I am today.
That is why I say a prayer of thanks as often as thoughts of my family come to mind.
Yes, I have dirty laundry. Some stains I may never be able to cleanse. Some people in my past may always see me wearing a wardrobe of soiled garments. That is the pain I suffer for some of the things I’ve done.
I do not pray for that pain of mine to go away. It reminds me of the purpose that drives me today – to be the son, brother, husband, father, friend, and neighbor I should have been all along.
My writing is cathartic for me, therapeutic, and cause for self-examination. It is documentation of a work in progress – my rehabilitation. If you decide to continue to read what I write, I hope you will do so with support in your heart.
